Monday, October 09, 2006

Hooray! We're champions of ..... what?

So now that the first round of baseball playoffs are over, let's take a quick look at the various celebrations, shall we?

Nice harmony shot here. Appropriate eyewear, celebratory faces, not too much silliness. After all, this is just the division round.

Is it just me, or does Carlos Delgado look none too pleased about being douched with cheap champagne?

The only way to enjoy Budweiser products responsibly.

Nice to get the crowd involved after 19 years of futility. What are you going to do for an encore if you advance deeper?

Which brings us, nicely, to the question: Why do major league teams break out the bubbly after every round of the playoffs? MLB is the only major sports league that does this. You didn't see the Redskins go all New Year's Eve after knocking out the Buccaneers in last year's playoffs, and you'll never see an NHL team do that after advancing past any playoff tier (probably because the cost of champagne would bankrupt most small market franchises if they advanced through all 900 rounds of the Stanley Cup Playoffs).

I can see celebrating the playoffs on the field. But you haven't really WON anything. And although it wouldn't really shock me to find out MLB is required by the French government to buy 1500 cases of cheap champagne each year for these celebrations, this is just silly. You need to keep this in perspective, Detroit. You need to work up to the big celebrations. You've left yourself very little room for improvement on that impromptu celebration after vanquishing the Yankees, short of (a) crucifying Matt Millen on the mound, (b) burning down Chicago, or (c) invading Canada.

Seeing as the 'tradition' is too ingrained at this point, allow us at the Stance to suggest some alternate methods of celebrating as you progress through the playoffs.

1. Clinch Playoff Spot: Congratulations. You've bested 22 other teams and are still alive for that big World Series winner's share! You've got illigitimate children to feed. Have a Coke on the house. Feel free to spray it around the locker room; it doesn't sting, and it celebrates your status as a beneficiary of the greatest capitalist free-market system in the world. Where else but the US can you make $250,000 to warm the bench?

2. Win Division Series: You've succeeded in spite of yourself. It never hurts to have Grady Little managing your opponent. 2-32 with runners in scoring position? How did you win, again? This calls for a celebration, with a sobering reminder of how close you came to this. A little Martinelli's Sparkling Cider is just the understated thing. You may wish to drink your cares away, but management wants you alert and sober for the LCS.

3. Win League: Now we're getting somewhere! This may be a time to celebrate with gusto - after all, you get a stylish ring to commemorate your victory - but your work still isn't done. You don't want to be the 2004 Cardinals, just 'happy to be here', do you? No, you want to keep your edge. So celebrate the way working men have for generation(s) - with beer. But not any beer, the 'Champagne of Beers' - because although you've taken a big step, this is still a crappy beverage, and will always leave you wanting something more. Like a sandwich. Or a nap.

4. Win World Series: Draw your own conclusions. But choose wisely, because we don't want to see this ever again:

1 comment:

Dan said...

Excellent piece. I always thought celebrating after the LDS was one of the stupidest things I've ever seen.