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Weaver Falling

The Post-Dispatch is reporting that Jeff Weaver is close to signing with the Seattle Mariners.

I guess that talk last October about coming back to the Cardinals was just that - talk.

I don't begrudge today's star athlete's desire to cash in. I object to the amount of money they make because (a) they aren't worth it, and (b) it ultimately drives the price of basic necessities up for me, however, if I had the talent and drive athletically I might sign with the highest bidder, too.

But I've always wondered why some guys, when they find or fall into a great situation (like Weaver found in StL last season), are so quick to leave it. Seattle was a bad club last season (78-84) that has gotten weaker over the winter. Why would anyone want to leave the Defending World Series Champs for that environment? Seattle hasn't made the playoffs since 2001. They haven't finished above .500 since 2003, while StL has made the playoffs every year this millenium (except 2003), and hasn't finished below .500 since before the turn of the century (1999 to be exact).

LaRussa and Duncan obviously liked the guy, worked with him, stroked his ego, and returned him to his Detroit Tiger form and nastiness - doesn't that count for something?

Apparently not.

Maybe he has a thing for Venti Lattes. Or depressed sweater-wearing pasty white women. Or he likes the fatties. Or he likes anonymity. Whatever. I don't think there's any chance he'll enjoy next season the way he enjoyed the end of the last one.

Well, thanks for the quality starts in the playoffs, Jeff. Enjoy the wilderness. I hope six months from now you're not kicking yourself for signing with Abbott and Costello.

Turd-day Night Football

Always trying to broaden my horizons, I foray into the NFL world with 5 shopping days left to Christmas. On tonight's menu: Minnesota at Green Bay. Whoop de do.

As tonight's game is on the NFL Network (which has less reach than Jay Behar's intellect) the festivities happen at Oggi's Pizza in Mission Valley. My buddy Trickey signs up for the fun.

- Oggi's is in the same strip mall as IKEA. Those crazy Swedes are having a 50% off sale. Not wanting to be run down like a dog by Birkenstock wearing Latte drinkers, I park on the street and walk. Smooth.

- Happy Hour runs from 3-7pm. Fucking sweet. The Scottish Ale is recommended. It's like Newcastle, but better.

- They serve a Belgian Ale here which is EIGHT PERCENT alcohol (by volume). That, sadly, is off the menu tonight; I gotta drive home.

- BONUS: They're showing BYU-Oregon as well. It's a football bonanza!

- BYU quarterback John Buck lists Ty Detmer as his childhood idol. Let's see....Koy's the guy with the Heismann...no wait Ty is the guy with the neckbeard...no wait...oh the hell with it. Looks like if this guy makes the NFL he's doomed to be an Eagles backup.

- It's so loud in here I can't hear Gumbel or Collinsworth. Somebody up there likes me.

- Rayner field goal. Yeay. 3-0 Pack.

- Ryan Leaf is sighted on the Oregon sideline. Bro Brady plays for the Ducks. Charger fans everywhere bark at their TV with a finger raised.

- Oregon has, by far, the worst uniforms of any team anywhere. A gold helmet with the overstock.com logo on it sits atop a jersey that appears to have been run over by the industrial tread truck. Is this a college football team or a bunch of extras from 'The Running Man'?

- Rayner field goal attempt. That frozen tundra isn't so frozen - it goes all Lucy Van Pelt on Ray. We initially thought Rayner had kicked his holder inadvertantly, which would have been much funnier.

- First quarter stats: Green Bay 11 first downs, Minn 1. How is it 3-0 again?

- Ryan Leaf is in the booth now. Have I mentioned I can't hear the TV? This time I regret it.

- The game is so stimulating the guys around me are looking at pictures of Britney Spears' bare cooch on a laptop. After viewing I punch myself in the face for 5 minutes.

- Rayner field goal attempt. He hit the fucking upright square. Packers should get a bonus point for that. How hard is it to hit the upright and not have the ball deflect in either direction? Still 3-0. We're gonna need more beer.

- Food comes. Pizza bread cut into breadsticks. Excellent. Trickster and I power through these as a welcome diversion to the suckitude on the screen.

- Meanwhile, BYU is Killing Oregon. 17-0 Cougars. I just saw a white receiver school the person of color DB. Who knew Mormons were fast? I mean, one knew they had endurance since they trekked from Ohio to Utah to find a place to live where they wouldn't be shot at. (their womenfolk are insatiable in bed too - uh, from what I've heard). But fast? Wow. That DB was just demoted to the swim team.

- Rayner again from 38. Good. 6-0 Pack at the half.

- Some talking head named Adam Schefter reports Art Shell will be fired after the season. The Raider response to this (A. Schefter is a poopy pants) is more passionate than their play on the field at any time this season.

- Still bored. 6-0 Pack. 31-0 Mormons. Yikes.

- Dude shows up with fiance and her mom. Awkward. They have a drink while waiting for their table. Oh, wait; table's ready. Dude says over his shoulder, 'hey pick up my jacket', and walks away leaving the women there. THIS guy needs to get his ass kicked.

- Jerry Tarkanian is in the booth now with the gang on ESPN. This is turning into Bizarro World. We order another pitcher to try and reset the universe into balance.

- Whoa, some Viking offense: Favre does his 'Sexy Rexy' imitation, heaves it down the field, it's picked off by SMOOT (who else?), who returns it for a touchdown. 7-6 Vikes.

- 31-8 Mormons. Oregon gets a garbage TD with less than 10 min left in the 4th. Aren't you folks glad you stole that game from Oklahoma, allowing you to have a trip to Las Vegas and get embarrassed by a bunch of missionaries?

- Favre marches the boys down the field. On 3rd and 5, he completes a pass to Bubba Franks at the 7. First down. Franks fights for the end zone. He gets there! Too bad he left the ball on the 4. Vikings take over.

- I think the Vikes are going to win this game with only 3 first downs and less than 150 yards of total offense. I don't want to imagine how bad Brad Johnson was that this display is an improvement.

- Another fucktard shows up with girlfriend. There is one open seat at the bar. He sits, she stands. I weep for the future.

-Farve driving again. Screen pass for 20 yards! First and goal at the 4! Wait....Bubba Franks strikes again, this time for holding (good call as replays prove). Rayner to try a 44 yard field goal. GOOD! 9-7 Pack.

- Vikings last ditch effort fails. Favre wins. All is right in the world.

- 38-8 BYU. No one cares.

Odds and Ends

Well we are rapidly winding down on the current year. As such, many people like to tie their yearly loose ends up in a nice tidy package . . . so as to clear some room for the next year's drama. Although I've got at least 3 more posts for this year (I can hear the sound of one hand clapping in anticipation of those 3 brillantly constructed columns), this is the 'tidy up' post.

1. If you're waiting for Part 5 of the 2007 Free Agency Preview, you are a silly, silly man. There's not going to be a final post. I intended to do it on the bench, but Spiezio re-signed early on, Miles re-upped at the deadline for tendering an offer, Taguchi was offered a contract, and they have lots of minor league help to fill out the bench. Hey look, I just did it. And it wasn't my usual 1000 words diatribe.

2. My running salary for the 2007 Cards last stood at $101.6M. I need to add Springer's $1.75M contract, up Miles' number from $750K to a cool million, and subtract my projected Payton $4.5M number. So, after the heavy math, the running salary tab stands at $99.1M. And they are still trying to sign another starting pitcher. Why were you just bored with that? Because my OCD control meds aren't working tonight.

3. 34-16 Colts, 3:48 to play. Only a Cincinnati team could come into Indy, against the 41st best rushing defense in the NFL, and score 1 touchdown. Once a Bungle, always a Bungle. I look forward to tomorrow's police blotter after this loss, which puts a severe dent in their playoff hopes.

4. Big Daddy Drew answered my mail question! That's a brush with greatness as far as I'm concerned, like getting published if you're a serious academic. Then BDD let it slip that he 'only' got 24 questions. He posted (and answered) 20. Well, at least my question wasn't one of the 4 that were incoherent, written by a first grader, or over-used the word paradigm. Losers.

5. I can't believe no one was compelled to comment on my McGwire rant. I thought it was pretty good. I got comments when I disparaged Adrian Beltre, fer Cris' sakes. I guess everyone out there agrees with me. Who Knew?

This blog updates on Mondays and Thursdays, but it's late Monday and Thursday (after work, entertaining the 5-month old, dinner, dishes, laundry, bills, fish maintenance, lawn bowling, lawn darts, batting cage trip, putting child to bed, hot naked monkey sex..... you get the picture), so it actually shows up on Tuesdays and Fridays. Just like Bill Simmons. But I'm 100% random friend cameo free and somewhat funny. So keep coming back, ya hear?

And now, to end on a high note:
Top 10 Christmas Carols For the Disturbed:

10. Schizophrenia - "Do You Hear What I Hear?"
9. Multiple Personality Disorder - "We Three Kings Disoriented Are"
8. Borderline Personality Disorder - "Thoughts Of Roasting On an Open Fire"
7. Personality Disorder - "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, I Might Tell You Why"
6. Attention Deficit Disorder - "Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?"

Rest of the list Thursday.

It's the most WONDERFUL time...of the year

Three years ago my sister in StL received an ad from the Danbury Mint for a StL Cardinals ornament. If you are not familiar with the Danbury Mint, check here. These are the folks who sell themed gift items to people whose idea of contemporary decoration is a Team Tiffany Lamp and end table. Anyway, it was a bell. Now, you must understand that at this point in the storied history of my life, I owned exactly one Christmas Tree ornament. One. A tree looks pretty stupid when it has one friggin ornament dangling off it. So I bought it.

As a result, I was inducted onto the 'Danbury Mint Sucker List'. Yes, me, grown up intelligent human being, now lumped together with Mimi the mumu wearing trailer park Mama-san. I get their mailings about once a quarter, and then get a light workout as I throw the brochure right into the round file.

But since my Cardinals won the World Series, I've been swamped - SWAMPED - with offers to sell me crap embossed with a world series logo. And seeing as this is the time for gift giving, I feel obligated to enlighten my public with what's available to get that obsessive Cardinal fan you live with/know/tolerate/beg to shut up about the Cardinals or you'll cleave his head with a tire iron.

So Ho Ho Ho, Here We Go.

1. World Series Glove ($129): If you have a thing for porcelain paper weights, this is for you. Although only 9.25" high, this eyesore will take over your entire cube. One good note - when the 'overly loud cell phone guy' starts screaming the next cube over, you can air-drop this bad boy in and quickly return your workspace to its normal harmonious state. Home plate base is complementary courtesy of your good friends at the 'ol Mint.

2. 22K gold card set ($9.95 each): You say, this looks cool - AP in shimmering gold foil. But you don't know two things: (a) there are 26 cards in this set; (b) AP will be the last card sent. That $260 you wanted to blow betting on Michigan and LSU to win their bowls - gone. Cause that's how they get you. They F**K you at the drive-thru!

3. Cardinal team coin set ($19.95 each, not pictured): Same principle as above, but with pogs, er, coins. Except this will set you back the money you set aside to get that shot for, you know.


More digging on these here internets unearthed even MORE crap for the true fan. If it were socially acceptable, some people would drape themselves in velvet; others will just cordon off an entire room of their house in homage to their favorite team. For these folks, a few more ideas:

4. Budwiser theme room. It's so wrong it must be right:

There's the must-have bar mirror ($99.95),








A way to tote your beer from room to room in chilly comfort ($79.99), and of course,






Official WS beer to take out of the cooler and drink while posing in the mirror. Clothing optional. If no clothing option is selected, must play 'Preening Buffalo Bill' music from Silence of the Lambs.

Finally, we have some straggler gifts:

6. The Ripper.
And you thought Matt Millen was the only marketing genius who came up with this modification to the surfer wallet. I'd buy it if they stitched 'Bad Motherf**ker' on the other side, but, alas, Bud Selig only allows 'Great Hock!' to be used as a curseword on official MLB gear.

7. Charles Darrow's get rich quick memorial. Only flaw to this game: every Monopoly set shall include a battleship piece, and I shall be the battleship. Why? Because it's my game, that's why. Don't make me go all Lamar Thomas on you.

And now, a rebuttal

Yes, today dawned a beautiful day. The sun was just a little bit warmer and friendlier than yesterday, a pleasant warming breeze coming off the desert to take the winter chill off the landscape one last time. Ah, a lazy Friday in God's Country, with St. Louis in the Fall Classic.

Then I read this.

And this.

[Anger rising.........tranquility disturbed........MUST..........RESPOND...........deep breath]

OK. Ready to rumble.

First, the Mets did not lose the NLCS. The Cardinals won it. Just like the Padres didn't lose the NLDS; the Cardinals won it. San Diego hit 2-32 with runners in scoring position. New York was what, 5-48? Under the Mendoza line, certainly. So 2 consecutive series where the opponent couldn't drive in a runner from second or third (or both). That's superior pitching, folks - of a kind I wouldn't have thought possible 3 weeks ago.

More pitching: Cardinal starters gave up 6 ER in the LDS (ERA 2.22), and 14 ER in the LCS (ERA 3.02). Additionally, the starters road ERA in the post-season is 2.82; home 2.61. Again, superior pitching. Superior pitching in the post-season will carry you a long way. Cardinals won both series vice the other team losing it.

Any talking head who decries the winner by saying 'the other team lost it' insults the effort of the winner. Cards won 4-3. They won 2 road games, including Game 7 - the franchise hadn't won a road Game 7 in 39 years (Gibson over Lonborg in the 1967 World Series). So respect the Mets. But even more so, respect the Cardinals.

Second: I am personally soooooo tired of AL teams from the NorthEast. My casual dislike for them has developed into a great hate. It's bad enough I have to suffer through every single Yankee/Red Sox game being broadcast on national TV (ESPN? NESN? what's the difference?), all the boo-hooing from fans of the teams with the 2 largest payrolls in the game, the A-Rod circus, Manny being Manny, blah blah blah. Now our league is constantly referred to as AAAA by the remaining Page 2 gasbag. Listen up, AL fans: if I want to watch a softball game I'll go down to the local rec center. Or better yet, I'll sign up and play in one. (I know your thumbs are well conditioned from all that PS2, gasbag; any idea how to swing a bat?) Why would I want to watch a bunch of fat steroid-heads play HR derby? At least Bonds still plays the field.

All this from a guy who has ALREADY TURNED on the GM that led Boston to their only WS title since Wilson was President. Nice, jackass. I agree with a little constructive criticism, but the bile is just appalling.

Next thought: Who are the 'best' managers in the AL right now? Joe Torre (cut his teeth in the NL as a player/manager), and Jim Leyland (cut his managerial teeth in the NL).

Next thought: from 1960-1987 the AL won 4 All-Star games (1986, 1983, 1971, 1963). Based on the stars in the AL over that span, I don't think anyone would refer to them as AAAA. NL currently has stars of similar wattage. Perhaps the current AL run of success in that event is more due to the cyclic nature of life? Or luck (two blown saves by two of the best relievers of this generation, Gagne and Hoffman)?

Next thought: any comparison of World Series victories is always skewed by Yankee success. AL teams have won 60 of the 101 WS played. Take out the most successful AL (Yankees) and NL (Cardinals) team, the numbers drop to 34 (AL) and 32 (NL). Lotta parity there, eh? And despite winning the last two, AL vs NL is only 3-2 in the WS since 2000. Yeah, NL is a bush league all right.

I want StL to win because I've been a fan of this team since I first learned to read a box score, so I have a biased opinion. But for all of you fans of the National League: Detroit is a great story. However, you follow BASEBALL. Searching for someone to back tomorrow? Back your league. I know this is hard for Dodger and Padres fans, and especially painful for Mets fans, but aren't you tired of the constant sniping at this league?

And for the Page 2 Gasbag: See below.

Lou Piniella - MOTO

Some of the pearls of wisdom that issued from the mouth of Sweet Lou during ALCS Game 1:

Lou on Joe Blanton: "He's a pitcher!"

Lou on Rickey Henderson: "He's the greatest leadoff hitter ever!" (this comment immediately followed Thom Brenneman's observation that Henderson was the greatest leadoff hitter in MLB history.)

Lou on Dave Duncan: "He's really helped [the Cardinals]."

Sweet Lou may be a kick-ass manager, but as a descriptive commentator he's out of his depth in a puddle. Stick to analyzing managerial moves, like Milton Bradley taking off for third down by 5 runs in the eighth. Leave the elaboration to those who completed grade school.

For the love of God, please please please please please please PLEASE don't team this Master of the Obvious with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver to call the World Series. My head might explode like a FEMBOT.

Hooray! We're champions of ..... what?

So now that the first round of baseball playoffs are over, let's take a quick look at the various celebrations, shall we?

Nice harmony shot here. Appropriate eyewear, celebratory faces, not too much silliness. After all, this is just the division round.

Is it just me, or does Carlos Delgado look none too pleased about being douched with cheap champagne?

The only way to enjoy Budweiser products responsibly.

Nice to get the crowd involved after 19 years of futility. What are you going to do for an encore if you advance deeper?

Which brings us, nicely, to the question: Why do major league teams break out the bubbly after every round of the playoffs? MLB is the only major sports league that does this. You didn't see the Redskins go all New Year's Eve after knocking out the Buccaneers in last year's playoffs, and you'll never see an NHL team do that after advancing past any playoff tier (probably because the cost of champagne would bankrupt most small market franchises if they advanced through all 900 rounds of the Stanley Cup Playoffs).

I can see celebrating the playoffs on the field. But you haven't really WON anything. And although it wouldn't really shock me to find out MLB is required by the French government to buy 1500 cases of cheap champagne each year for these celebrations, this is just silly. You need to keep this in perspective, Detroit. You need to work up to the big celebrations. You've left yourself very little room for improvement on that impromptu celebration after vanquishing the Yankees, short of (a) crucifying Matt Millen on the mound, (b) burning down Chicago, or (c) invading Canada.

Seeing as the 'tradition' is too ingrained at this point, allow us at the Stance to suggest some alternate methods of celebrating as you progress through the playoffs.

1. Clinch Playoff Spot: Congratulations. You've bested 22 other teams and are still alive for that big World Series winner's share! You've got illigitimate children to feed. Have a Coke on the house. Feel free to spray it around the locker room; it doesn't sting, and it celebrates your status as a beneficiary of the greatest capitalist free-market system in the world. Where else but the US can you make $250,000 to warm the bench?

2. Win Division Series: You've succeeded in spite of yourself. It never hurts to have Grady Little managing your opponent. 2-32 with runners in scoring position? How did you win, again? This calls for a celebration, with a sobering reminder of how close you came to this. A little Martinelli's Sparkling Cider is just the understated thing. You may wish to drink your cares away, but management wants you alert and sober for the LCS.

3. Win League: Now we're getting somewhere! This may be a time to celebrate with gusto - after all, you get a stylish ring to commemorate your victory - but your work still isn't done. You don't want to be the 2004 Cardinals, just 'happy to be here', do you? No, you want to keep your edge. So celebrate the way working men have for generation(s) - with beer. But not any beer, the 'Champagne of Beers' - because although you've taken a big step, this is still a crappy beverage, and will always leave you wanting something more. Like a sandwich. Or a nap.

4. Win World Series: Draw your own conclusions. But choose wisely, because we don't want to see this ever again: