I'm sure the catfight will surface on YouTube shortly

Marty Schottenheimer got canned today.

This is why I'm glad I'm not a Chargers fan. Only an organization completely inept could screw up this horrendously. At least with the Cardinals and the Lions you EXPECT them to suck because their ownership/leadership was inept. But the Chargers tempt fans (like the Sirens of Greek mythology) with promising players and good records, only to piss it away.

Must be something in the Mission Valley water that makes everybody hate each other (a la Bobby Ross and Beathard), not talk to each other (Smith/Schott) or just plain crazy (Alex Spanos).

You mean to tell me that, with all that money laying around courtesy of the NFL, and all that talent on the roster, AJ Smith and Schottenheimer couldn't find a way to get along? What a pair of babies (a term my focus group (Mrs. Rant) informed me was least likely to get me sued).

14-2 last year. Yes, they laid an egg in the playoffs, but 14-2! And 12-4 two years ago. Apparently that couldn't breed at least a tacit working relationship, if not respect.

Not to mention that their two major coordinators are now coaching the Dolphins and Cowboys. Which means a new offense for next season, replacing what was one of the most dangerous in the league.

So how do you find a coach to take over for a guy who put up the best record in the NFL? At this late juncture. With most of your assistant coaching jobs open. And with precious little time before the draft. What's his expectations going to be? 13-3? Lost in the AFC championship game? See ya.

And where the F**K is my GIGANTOSAUR jersey!?!?!?!

Effin bastards.

Put your Super Bowl behind you for one more year...

Colts 29, Bears 17. Turnovers made the first quarter exciting, but other than that...well...Chargers/Patriots was a better game. And Colts/Patriots was a more tense game.

Some random thoughts from the event:

- Rex Grossman will take the heat for this loss. And he did throw some awful passes - which I found odd seeing as he played his college ball in Florida so he should have been used to playing in the rain. But the Bears offensive gameplan cost them this game. 11 first downs (and at least 5 of those came after they were down by 12)? Wow.

- Devin Hester is a mighty dangerous man - and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thought, 'Well, Ohio State scored on the opening kickoff and got their asses kicked.' after he did the same thing.

- If I never see the Chevy ad where guys are taking their shirts off to clean a car again, I'll die happy. Made me choke on my nachos.

- The Career Builder ads were the best.

- I made waaaaayyy too much chili. I'll be eating chili for about 2 weeks. Need any homemade chili? Let me know and I'll send you some.

- Prince was OK - not as awful as Paul McCartney or the Stones were, but nowhere near as good as U2 was.

- I couldn't hear Nantz or Simms for most of the telecast because my son was loud throughout - and I was much happier with his commentary on the game.

- Flat screen TV's are great! Now I need to see it with the HD settings.

Anyway, that's it - 10 days until pitchers and catchers report. Woo Hoo!

Update [2/5/07 1300] : I remembered a few more things I wanted to point out from the game:

a. Peyton Manning is a big fat pussy. To wit: (1) after the horrific handoff to Addai (or was it Rhodes?) that turned into a fumble recovery for the Bears, Manning made NO EFFORT to cover the ball. I swear he ran away from the contact. At least when the Sex Cannon fumbled he tried to dive on the ball, contact be dammed. (2) after pitching the ball to Rhodes (or was it Addal?) on his 'scramble' in the third quarter, he stopped. Normal people would have tried to throw a block for the guy with the ball. Or kept it and tried to make some yardage. But apparently Laser Rocket Arm is made of porcelain.

b. I'd like to send a personal shout out and thank you to Hunder Smith for muffing that extra point hold, and Adam Vinateri for missing the field goal at the end of the half. I had 6/4 as my numbers. And a cooooool $200, if you please...

IT'S SUPER BOWL WEEKEND! (whoo)

I blew off my normal Thursday column becuase I'be been sick. Two trips to the ER in the last 10 days. Steroids. Water weight gain. Unable to sleep with the pain. I don't recommend it.

But I have been able to monitor all the Super Bowl silliness, and, Rex Grossman/Kyle Orton posts aside, it's been pretty disappointing. Bill Simmons taunting us from Miami. Negro Bowl I. (The coverage of Dungy vs. Smith has been enough to make me vomit.) So I can't wait for the Super Bowl to be over - at least I won't have to listen to the hype any longer.

Once my teams get knocked out (or fail to qualify - thanks Rams for blowing those games against Seattle), my rooting interest passes to rooting AGAINST teams I hate. Does this make me a bad person? Probably. But I don't care. So watching the aforementioned Seahawks, Dallas, G-Men, Ravens, and Patriots head into the off-season has been mucho enjoyable-o. Leaving me with ambivelance concerning tomorrow's contest.

I haven't had anything emotionally invested in the Super Bowl since Pats/Eagles (and ended up with the short stick that day - although I did win a cool $125 in my football pool for picking the third quarter score. Nice). I (the master of opinion) don't have one when it comes to this game. My disgust for all things Chicago begins with the Cubs and ends with the Blackhawks. My dad thought Johnny U was the greatest quarterback to ever play the game, so there's a certain soft spot for the Baltimore Colts - but I don't like the Indy Colts. Ultimately I can root for an entertaining game. And I will.

And a couple of super bowl ads that make me laugh. AND that my numbers come up again in our pool.

So as I count down the days to spring training (11 days until pitchers and catchers report to the Cardinals Complex in Jupiter), today I'll be making copious amounts of Dad's special chili (Miss you Dad), watching Little Dirka try and keep his balance while sitting, and preparing for our modest party tomorrow.

All signs point to a satisfying weekend. Villanova just beat Louisville 57-53, augmenting their NCAA tourney resume. See you after the 'big game'.

Scenes from the Rant Household

Yep, two days late. Lots of activity at the Rant household...which I won't bore you about here.

Currently Villanova is leading the Texas Durants 26-23. This is the only national broadcast for the boys (unless they make the Tourney), and they look, well, O.K. They've missed a number of wide-open shots or the lead would be much more than three. Oh, and Durant? He's for real. 11 points in the first half - and he looks like he's playing at a different speed than the rest of the boys on the court. Ol' Bill Simmons is right about that.

Of course, the hot topic this weekend will be the NFL Conference Championships. I read Simmons' latest article, and my comment is simply this:

Want some cheese with that whine?

Look, my anti-Patriot stance has nothing to do with how the Pats are doing it with mirrors. Or that Belichick has somehow morphed into Knute Rockne. Or that Brady is already the best clutch QB since Montana and may become the greatest QB since Unitas. Mrs. Rant actively roots for them (now that the Chargers have completed their yearly gag). For me, it boils down to three things.

ONE: Super Bowl XXXVI. I'm sure you're shocked to find out I root for the Rams (although my allegiance dates back to the 1979 group: Vince Ferragamo, Wendell Tyler, Jack Youngblood, Fred Dryer, and Nolan Cromwell).

TWO: The saturation of coverage. Since 2001 we have been inundated with stories on how great Belichick's system is, and how cool Brady is. Tedy Bruschi. Mike Vrabel. Blah blah blah. Enough already. I hated the Dodgers as a kid because I got tired of hearing how good they were. I can see they're good - I don't need to be bombarded with that fact. Same for the NY Mets of the 1980s (the fact that they were the Cardinals' biggest rival from 1985-1989 didn't help them), the Lakers of the 1980s, and the Yankees of the 1990s.

It's so bad I can't enjoy teams for how good they are. I hope they lose just so the talking heads will shut up.

THREE (and last straw): Patriots get knocked out last year by Denver. Can they lose gracefully? Yes. Their fans? 'We didn't get beat - we gave the game away.' How arrogant. How wrong.

Indy can't beat those fucktards by enough to make me happy. Maybe THAT'll shut their fans (and their most famous blog apologist) up. Unfortunately, I doubt it; but for 3 hours tomorrow, It would make for a most gratifying day.

NFC: I'm torn between the feel-good story and my natural pre-disposition to despise all things Chicago. So I think I'll just....enjoy the game.

Under 12 timeout...Nova 48, Texas 38. Enjoy the rest of the game.

[UPDATE: Nova 76, Texas 69. Two Top-25 upsets by the 'Cats this week. Niiiiccceeee.]

Turd-day Night Football

Always trying to broaden my horizons, I foray into the NFL world with 5 shopping days left to Christmas. On tonight's menu: Minnesota at Green Bay. Whoop de do.

As tonight's game is on the NFL Network (which has less reach than Jay Behar's intellect) the festivities happen at Oggi's Pizza in Mission Valley. My buddy Trickey signs up for the fun.

- Oggi's is in the same strip mall as IKEA. Those crazy Swedes are having a 50% off sale. Not wanting to be run down like a dog by Birkenstock wearing Latte drinkers, I park on the street and walk. Smooth.

- Happy Hour runs from 3-7pm. Fucking sweet. The Scottish Ale is recommended. It's like Newcastle, but better.

- They serve a Belgian Ale here which is EIGHT PERCENT alcohol (by volume). That, sadly, is off the menu tonight; I gotta drive home.

- BONUS: They're showing BYU-Oregon as well. It's a football bonanza!

- BYU quarterback John Buck lists Ty Detmer as his childhood idol. Let's see....Koy's the guy with the Heismann...no wait Ty is the guy with the neckbeard...no wait...oh the hell with it. Looks like if this guy makes the NFL he's doomed to be an Eagles backup.

- It's so loud in here I can't hear Gumbel or Collinsworth. Somebody up there likes me.

- Rayner field goal. Yeay. 3-0 Pack.

- Ryan Leaf is sighted on the Oregon sideline. Bro Brady plays for the Ducks. Charger fans everywhere bark at their TV with a finger raised.

- Oregon has, by far, the worst uniforms of any team anywhere. A gold helmet with the overstock.com logo on it sits atop a jersey that appears to have been run over by the industrial tread truck. Is this a college football team or a bunch of extras from 'The Running Man'?

- Rayner field goal attempt. That frozen tundra isn't so frozen - it goes all Lucy Van Pelt on Ray. We initially thought Rayner had kicked his holder inadvertantly, which would have been much funnier.

- First quarter stats: Green Bay 11 first downs, Minn 1. How is it 3-0 again?

- Ryan Leaf is in the booth now. Have I mentioned I can't hear the TV? This time I regret it.

- The game is so stimulating the guys around me are looking at pictures of Britney Spears' bare cooch on a laptop. After viewing I punch myself in the face for 5 minutes.

- Rayner field goal attempt. He hit the fucking upright square. Packers should get a bonus point for that. How hard is it to hit the upright and not have the ball deflect in either direction? Still 3-0. We're gonna need more beer.

- Food comes. Pizza bread cut into breadsticks. Excellent. Trickster and I power through these as a welcome diversion to the suckitude on the screen.

- Meanwhile, BYU is Killing Oregon. 17-0 Cougars. I just saw a white receiver school the person of color DB. Who knew Mormons were fast? I mean, one knew they had endurance since they trekked from Ohio to Utah to find a place to live where they wouldn't be shot at. (their womenfolk are insatiable in bed too - uh, from what I've heard). But fast? Wow. That DB was just demoted to the swim team.

- Rayner again from 38. Good. 6-0 Pack at the half.

- Some talking head named Adam Schefter reports Art Shell will be fired after the season. The Raider response to this (A. Schefter is a poopy pants) is more passionate than their play on the field at any time this season.

- Still bored. 6-0 Pack. 31-0 Mormons. Yikes.

- Dude shows up with fiance and her mom. Awkward. They have a drink while waiting for their table. Oh, wait; table's ready. Dude says over his shoulder, 'hey pick up my jacket', and walks away leaving the women there. THIS guy needs to get his ass kicked.

- Jerry Tarkanian is in the booth now with the gang on ESPN. This is turning into Bizarro World. We order another pitcher to try and reset the universe into balance.

- Whoa, some Viking offense: Favre does his 'Sexy Rexy' imitation, heaves it down the field, it's picked off by SMOOT (who else?), who returns it for a touchdown. 7-6 Vikes.

- 31-8 Mormons. Oregon gets a garbage TD with less than 10 min left in the 4th. Aren't you folks glad you stole that game from Oklahoma, allowing you to have a trip to Las Vegas and get embarrassed by a bunch of missionaries?

- Favre marches the boys down the field. On 3rd and 5, he completes a pass to Bubba Franks at the 7. First down. Franks fights for the end zone. He gets there! Too bad he left the ball on the 4. Vikings take over.

- I think the Vikes are going to win this game with only 3 first downs and less than 150 yards of total offense. I don't want to imagine how bad Brad Johnson was that this display is an improvement.

- Another fucktard shows up with girlfriend. There is one open seat at the bar. He sits, she stands. I weep for the future.

-Farve driving again. Screen pass for 20 yards! First and goal at the 4! Wait....Bubba Franks strikes again, this time for holding (good call as replays prove). Rayner to try a 44 yard field goal. GOOD! 9-7 Pack.

- Vikings last ditch effort fails. Favre wins. All is right in the world.

- 38-8 BYU. No one cares.

NFL Survivor, Week 4

OK, I like to gamble. A lot. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at it. The ABC's of gambling have no effect on me. In fact, I'm the guy invited over to play poker because SOMEONE's got to donate $40 to the winner. That's my Texas Hold 'Em role - stay in every hand, eat some pizza, drink a few beers, leave $40 dollars lighter. I'm not the only one out there. I can hear you breathing.

Of course, this sad fact hasn't driven the gambling gene from my body. Yet. So I have to find more creative ways to indulge, ones where I might actually have a shot. Blackjack is one. Knockout NFL pools are another. Miraculously, after three weeks, I'm still alive. It helps when you don't have to cover the spread, just pick a winner. I can DO this. Call it my gift.

A brief history of my picks so far this year:

Week 1 - NE. I've developed a strong dislike for Boston-area teams (see: SB XXXVI, 2004 WS), but I decided to throw Mrs. Rant's favorite team a bone. I was glad I was out of the house until NE tied the game at 17.
Week 2 - Ravens. I'm starting to think my HS team could compete with the Raiiiiiiders for at least a half. Gimme game on a weekend of gimme games.
Week 3 - Sehawks. Two thoughts here: NY had pulled off an emotional win at the Linc; all week we heard about this being a revenge game for the Giants. 35-0 Hawks at the half. Eli should be tested for colorblind-ness (which shade of blue is this? No, I'm sorry, you're wearing WHITE today). MAN I'm tired of being right.

So on to week 4. Here are the teams (and games) I recommend you choose a winner from:

1. ATLANTA (at home against Arizona). Cue the emotion theme from last week. Falcons get embarrassed on national (cable) TV in the Big Whine. Kurt Warner could put that loaf of bread in your bag, but not before he drops it 8 times. This game has possibilities.

2. DALLAS (at Tennessee). The Kerry Collins Experience is probably 2 weeks away from closing its doors forever. If you can't beat an atrocious Miami team, start selling insurance. LenDale White has shown more fight against all his teammates in practice than at any time on the field. Only trip hazard here is not only is it a road game, it's a road game involving Drew Bledsoe.

3. JACKSONVILLE (at Deadskins). Jag Hags KILLED the defending champs 2 weeks ago, but got handled in Indy. So some emotion there. The Potomac Warriors are a much better team with Clinton Portis scooting all over the field, but Pitt had a good running game - and we all know how that turned out when they played Jax.

4. PHILADELPHIA (at home against Lambeau Leapers). Team feels good after pushing around one of the Jay-Vee teams in the NFC West last week. The Iggles defense is much better than Detroit's, so Brett Favre's Ghost should have lots more trouble throwing the ball this week than he did last week. Oh, and the Lambeau Leapers have no running game.

Picking any of these 4 teams should get you through to the next week. Or you could pick the Lambs to beat Bert Lahr's favorite team - if, like, you want to live dangerously.