Turd-day Night Football

Always trying to broaden my horizons, I foray into the NFL world with 5 shopping days left to Christmas. On tonight's menu: Minnesota at Green Bay. Whoop de do.

As tonight's game is on the NFL Network (which has less reach than Jay Behar's intellect) the festivities happen at Oggi's Pizza in Mission Valley. My buddy Trickey signs up for the fun.

- Oggi's is in the same strip mall as IKEA. Those crazy Swedes are having a 50% off sale. Not wanting to be run down like a dog by Birkenstock wearing Latte drinkers, I park on the street and walk. Smooth.

- Happy Hour runs from 3-7pm. Fucking sweet. The Scottish Ale is recommended. It's like Newcastle, but better.

- They serve a Belgian Ale here which is EIGHT PERCENT alcohol (by volume). That, sadly, is off the menu tonight; I gotta drive home.

- BONUS: They're showing BYU-Oregon as well. It's a football bonanza!

- BYU quarterback John Buck lists Ty Detmer as his childhood idol. Let's see....Koy's the guy with the Heismann...no wait Ty is the guy with the neckbeard...no wait...oh the hell with it. Looks like if this guy makes the NFL he's doomed to be an Eagles backup.

- It's so loud in here I can't hear Gumbel or Collinsworth. Somebody up there likes me.

- Rayner field goal. Yeay. 3-0 Pack.

- Ryan Leaf is sighted on the Oregon sideline. Bro Brady plays for the Ducks. Charger fans everywhere bark at their TV with a finger raised.

- Oregon has, by far, the worst uniforms of any team anywhere. A gold helmet with the overstock.com logo on it sits atop a jersey that appears to have been run over by the industrial tread truck. Is this a college football team or a bunch of extras from 'The Running Man'?

- Rayner field goal attempt. That frozen tundra isn't so frozen - it goes all Lucy Van Pelt on Ray. We initially thought Rayner had kicked his holder inadvertantly, which would have been much funnier.

- First quarter stats: Green Bay 11 first downs, Minn 1. How is it 3-0 again?

- Ryan Leaf is in the booth now. Have I mentioned I can't hear the TV? This time I regret it.

- The game is so stimulating the guys around me are looking at pictures of Britney Spears' bare cooch on a laptop. After viewing I punch myself in the face for 5 minutes.

- Rayner field goal attempt. He hit the fucking upright square. Packers should get a bonus point for that. How hard is it to hit the upright and not have the ball deflect in either direction? Still 3-0. We're gonna need more beer.

- Food comes. Pizza bread cut into breadsticks. Excellent. Trickster and I power through these as a welcome diversion to the suckitude on the screen.

- Meanwhile, BYU is Killing Oregon. 17-0 Cougars. I just saw a white receiver school the person of color DB. Who knew Mormons were fast? I mean, one knew they had endurance since they trekked from Ohio to Utah to find a place to live where they wouldn't be shot at. (their womenfolk are insatiable in bed too - uh, from what I've heard). But fast? Wow. That DB was just demoted to the swim team.

- Rayner again from 38. Good. 6-0 Pack at the half.

- Some talking head named Adam Schefter reports Art Shell will be fired after the season. The Raider response to this (A. Schefter is a poopy pants) is more passionate than their play on the field at any time this season.

- Still bored. 6-0 Pack. 31-0 Mormons. Yikes.

- Dude shows up with fiance and her mom. Awkward. They have a drink while waiting for their table. Oh, wait; table's ready. Dude says over his shoulder, 'hey pick up my jacket', and walks away leaving the women there. THIS guy needs to get his ass kicked.

- Jerry Tarkanian is in the booth now with the gang on ESPN. This is turning into Bizarro World. We order another pitcher to try and reset the universe into balance.

- Whoa, some Viking offense: Favre does his 'Sexy Rexy' imitation, heaves it down the field, it's picked off by SMOOT (who else?), who returns it for a touchdown. 7-6 Vikes.

- 31-8 Mormons. Oregon gets a garbage TD with less than 10 min left in the 4th. Aren't you folks glad you stole that game from Oklahoma, allowing you to have a trip to Las Vegas and get embarrassed by a bunch of missionaries?

- Favre marches the boys down the field. On 3rd and 5, he completes a pass to Bubba Franks at the 7. First down. Franks fights for the end zone. He gets there! Too bad he left the ball on the 4. Vikings take over.

- I think the Vikes are going to win this game with only 3 first downs and less than 150 yards of total offense. I don't want to imagine how bad Brad Johnson was that this display is an improvement.

- Another fucktard shows up with girlfriend. There is one open seat at the bar. He sits, she stands. I weep for the future.

-Farve driving again. Screen pass for 20 yards! First and goal at the 4! Wait....Bubba Franks strikes again, this time for holding (good call as replays prove). Rayner to try a 44 yard field goal. GOOD! 9-7 Pack.

- Vikings last ditch effort fails. Favre wins. All is right in the world.

- 38-8 BYU. No one cares.