When To Answer The Phone

Mrs. Angry Rant has a good friend who is a flake. By flake, I mean they'll make plans to meet (at, say 2pm, or 1400 for those of you in the military) and she'll come up with a variety of excuses for not showing up...until 7 hours later.

Yesterday I watched the Mrs. play phone tag with the flake, and when she finally got through the flake was engaged in the horizontal boogie with her boyfriend. Now, why in GOD's NAME would you pick up the phone while bumping uglies? I'm quite sure Mrs. Rant was not too pleased her friend was divining Monica Seles in her ear.

So in the interest of public safety, here are a few guidlines for When To Answer The Phone:

DO ANSWER:

1. Dude, I'm in the 10th Row: You have scored tickets to the most important game of the year. This is a mountain of "In Your Face, Flanders!" points waiting to be redeemed. Besides, what's funnier than hearing your buddy/wife/child/boss/concubine whine with envy that you're there and they aren't? You only have so many chances to work that magic. Don't waste it.

2. Cordless, Poolside: Your sister has always wanted to go to Hawaii, but, because she blows all her money on taxi cab fare and day after pills, she never has enough money to buy the ticket. You, however, convince your boss that you must attend the 3-day symposium on teambuilding at the Hale Koa in Waikiki. Of course, the flight leaves tomorrow, so you don't have a chance to share your good fortune with those you love. Until they call to say hello. Let the love fest begin.

DON'T ANSWER:

1. During SEX. The only time I want my best friend to answer the phone while he's engorged is if Jenna Jameson's head is pistoning up and down on a part of his anatomy. Face it: if your pleasuring your mate, and you're doing such a good job at it she takes the telemarketer call, you might want to watch that video she's been asking you to rent. Because she's probably already picked out another pony from the herd, and if she hasn't ridden him yet, she's got the saddle out.

2. Driving with children. There are only two halves to the brain. Driving typically takes one half. Trying to concentrate on the road while your 'bundle of joy' is screaming in your ear requires your undivided attention. Trying to concentrate on a phone call you can't hear because your child is wailing for his 'binky', while hurtling down the highway at 80 MPH, may be a good way to meet some new people unexpectedly (including Ponch and John) but only annoys us on the phone. This is why they invented voice mail. Use it, retard.

3. After heavily drinking. Although more of a 'when to not make a phone call' item, know this: I don't want to talk to you if you're going to speak at 1000 decibels and describe the piss you just took. It can wait. For the love of God, it can wait.

4. In the bathroom. Seriously, folks. Although I have a grudging respect for those who can unzip, aim, shake, tuck, and zip, with one hand, unless you're the President of the United States about to authorize the nuclear annihilation of some dingbat country, NOTHING is so urgent that you have to carry on a conversation while in the loo. In fact, when faced with that decision, I'm pretty sure the somberness of the decision will cause your testicles to return to your body cavity rendering you incapable of peeing. Or walking, for that matter.

Listing to a phone conversation while 'dropping off the kids at the pool' is not uncommon at my place of work. Along with finding dead Starbucks coffee cups in the stall. I didn't know that caffiene can constrict the colon and assist in pushing the poop out, but apparently it does in the 45+ age group.

5. On a date. Do I really need to explain this one?

Let's be safe out there, people.