Turd-day Night Football

Always trying to broaden my horizons, I foray into the NFL world with 5 shopping days left to Christmas. On tonight's menu: Minnesota at Green Bay. Whoop de do.

As tonight's game is on the NFL Network (which has less reach than Jay Behar's intellect) the festivities happen at Oggi's Pizza in Mission Valley. My buddy Trickey signs up for the fun.

- Oggi's is in the same strip mall as IKEA. Those crazy Swedes are having a 50% off sale. Not wanting to be run down like a dog by Birkenstock wearing Latte drinkers, I park on the street and walk. Smooth.

- Happy Hour runs from 3-7pm. Fucking sweet. The Scottish Ale is recommended. It's like Newcastle, but better.

- They serve a Belgian Ale here which is EIGHT PERCENT alcohol (by volume). That, sadly, is off the menu tonight; I gotta drive home.

- BONUS: They're showing BYU-Oregon as well. It's a football bonanza!

- BYU quarterback John Buck lists Ty Detmer as his childhood idol. Let's see....Koy's the guy with the Heismann...no wait Ty is the guy with the neckbeard...no wait...oh the hell with it. Looks like if this guy makes the NFL he's doomed to be an Eagles backup.

- It's so loud in here I can't hear Gumbel or Collinsworth. Somebody up there likes me.

- Rayner field goal. Yeay. 3-0 Pack.

- Ryan Leaf is sighted on the Oregon sideline. Bro Brady plays for the Ducks. Charger fans everywhere bark at their TV with a finger raised.

- Oregon has, by far, the worst uniforms of any team anywhere. A gold helmet with the overstock.com logo on it sits atop a jersey that appears to have been run over by the industrial tread truck. Is this a college football team or a bunch of extras from 'The Running Man'?

- Rayner field goal attempt. That frozen tundra isn't so frozen - it goes all Lucy Van Pelt on Ray. We initially thought Rayner had kicked his holder inadvertantly, which would have been much funnier.

- First quarter stats: Green Bay 11 first downs, Minn 1. How is it 3-0 again?

- Ryan Leaf is in the booth now. Have I mentioned I can't hear the TV? This time I regret it.

- The game is so stimulating the guys around me are looking at pictures of Britney Spears' bare cooch on a laptop. After viewing I punch myself in the face for 5 minutes.

- Rayner field goal attempt. He hit the fucking upright square. Packers should get a bonus point for that. How hard is it to hit the upright and not have the ball deflect in either direction? Still 3-0. We're gonna need more beer.

- Food comes. Pizza bread cut into breadsticks. Excellent. Trickster and I power through these as a welcome diversion to the suckitude on the screen.

- Meanwhile, BYU is Killing Oregon. 17-0 Cougars. I just saw a white receiver school the person of color DB. Who knew Mormons were fast? I mean, one knew they had endurance since they trekked from Ohio to Utah to find a place to live where they wouldn't be shot at. (their womenfolk are insatiable in bed too - uh, from what I've heard). But fast? Wow. That DB was just demoted to the swim team.

- Rayner again from 38. Good. 6-0 Pack at the half.

- Some talking head named Adam Schefter reports Art Shell will be fired after the season. The Raider response to this (A. Schefter is a poopy pants) is more passionate than their play on the field at any time this season.

- Still bored. 6-0 Pack. 31-0 Mormons. Yikes.

- Dude shows up with fiance and her mom. Awkward. They have a drink while waiting for their table. Oh, wait; table's ready. Dude says over his shoulder, 'hey pick up my jacket', and walks away leaving the women there. THIS guy needs to get his ass kicked.

- Jerry Tarkanian is in the booth now with the gang on ESPN. This is turning into Bizarro World. We order another pitcher to try and reset the universe into balance.

- Whoa, some Viking offense: Favre does his 'Sexy Rexy' imitation, heaves it down the field, it's picked off by SMOOT (who else?), who returns it for a touchdown. 7-6 Vikes.

- 31-8 Mormons. Oregon gets a garbage TD with less than 10 min left in the 4th. Aren't you folks glad you stole that game from Oklahoma, allowing you to have a trip to Las Vegas and get embarrassed by a bunch of missionaries?

- Favre marches the boys down the field. On 3rd and 5, he completes a pass to Bubba Franks at the 7. First down. Franks fights for the end zone. He gets there! Too bad he left the ball on the 4. Vikings take over.

- I think the Vikes are going to win this game with only 3 first downs and less than 150 yards of total offense. I don't want to imagine how bad Brad Johnson was that this display is an improvement.

- Another fucktard shows up with girlfriend. There is one open seat at the bar. He sits, she stands. I weep for the future.

-Farve driving again. Screen pass for 20 yards! First and goal at the 4! Wait....Bubba Franks strikes again, this time for holding (good call as replays prove). Rayner to try a 44 yard field goal. GOOD! 9-7 Pack.

- Vikings last ditch effort fails. Favre wins. All is right in the world.

- 38-8 BYU. No one cares.

Golden Ticket

There appears to be solid evidence that Reggie Bush and his family were the recipients of gifts while he was matriculating at USC. He could be stripped of his Heisman Trophy and USC could be forced to renounce their 2004 National Championship.

For all you holier-than-thou-types out there who think that the last sentence would be a just result, fuck you.

There are few people in the world who despise Southern Cal football more than I do. Just ask my brother-in-law. Go Bruins. But, the chance that Bush could be punished for this is hypocrisy at it's most blatant.

Ever been to Helix High? It's not the nicest place to attend school. Its student body does not come from the same means as those attending The Bishop's School or Francis Parker, two affluent schools in the San Diego area. Now imagine your family is barely scraping by. Imagine your family has debt. Imagine you happen to get the Willy Wonka Chocolate Bar with the Golden Ticket in it. That's probably what Reggie's athletic talent seemed like to his family.

Ain't no way Reggie can afford to go to USC as a regular schmoe like the rest of us. His athletic prowess opened this door; a door to opportunity most of us can only dream about.

It also gave a portal for those who I'm sure will be sentenced to the Eighth Circle of Hell when they die - the SPORTS AGENT. Out of the muddy puddle of excrement (Thank you KSK) come people with no souls, promising the world, spinning fantastic tales of untold riches to be had, if ONLY YOU SIGN here.

You know what his parents said? PROVE IT. Show us you're REALLY interested. Not the most altruistic thing they could have done, but can you blame them? A chance to hedge the bet that Reggie would make it to the NFL draft without a serious injury derailing his train.

Tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing. You wouldn't? You're a fucking liar.

NOW....

(1) You CAN'T convince me that USC's football coaching staff didn't know this was going on. Somebody knew. Somebody familiar with the NCAA's rules on eligibility. Yet they appear to have made no effort to counsel Reggie Bush on the potential consequences of his, and his immediate family's, actions. For this, they should get a gigantic dick in the ass.

(2) This is 2006. Someone needs to explain to me HOW forcing USC to renounce their 2004 Nat'l Championship will set this right. It changes nothing - you can't go back in time and re-play all those games. You can't brainwash every American who gives a damn about college football into thinking USC didn't pulverize Oklahoma to win the Nat'l Championship. And why punish the kids who did follow the rules? Why tarnish what they worked hard to do? The Dar's right - it doesn't matter.

(3) The NCAA is, by far, the biggest waste of space in the non-US Government working world. Do they actually believe punishing USC for this offense will deter other people from doing it? They better change suppliers of their peyote, the current lot's lost its potency.

If you REALLY want to set this right, if you REALLY want to discourage this behavior by programs and agents, here's what you do:

First: Penalize the school by restricting the number of scholarships they can award for 4 years. Division I programs must have 76.5 players under scholarship, and can carry a max of 85. Cut that number to 40 and 50. That's 10 scholarships per year. That's at least 5 years of suck for the offending program.

Second: Ban the agents who provide the payments. Rescind their licenses. FOR EVER. If its an overzealous booster that causes the violation, send him to JAIL for BRIBERY. Or extortion. Or for looking at the cop the wrong way. Whatever.

Third: PAY these athletes to perform. Division I football is a minor league for the NFL/CFL/WFL anyway. However, that's a subject for a future rant.

The NCAA won't do any of that, of course. They'll strip USC of its championship and Bush of his Heismann, and then sit around scratching their heads when this problem pops up at the next program.